The first few days were the worst. Grief in it’s rawest stage.
I felt incredibly lost. My constant companion of almost 18 years was no longer with me. How can anyone understand the depth of that loss unless they have experienced it themselves?
Nothing seemed to have any meaning. I moved in a fog, getting through those long days in a semi-daze, steeped in sorrow. My thought process felt jumbled and borderline incoherent. I would go into the kitchen for something and stand there confused, wondering what I had come in there for.
I sobbed when we left the vet. Not right away. It took about fifteen minutes for the flood to begin. One of the worst moments in coming home that day was when I closed the gate behind me. The gate I had ushered Sadie through hundreds of times. No more. Then again, going up the stairs to my bedroom, I stopped on the stairs and wailed in the agony of pure loss. My furry baby girl would never be upstairs with me again.
Consumed by grief, my tears flew freely. I did not try to stem the flow. I needed to cry. So I allowed myself that. I still do.
The loss of such a close friend, one you’ve spent almost half of your life with, leaves an extraordinary sense of emptiness. For so many years my days revolved around feeding her and taking care of her. What do you do when the center of your life is gone? Especially when that being is a furry little source of unconditional love. You find the strength to move on, never forgetting your loved one, knowing that real love never dies.
Excerpt from my journal 2/25/10
my sweet girl, my loving baby, the center of my world, the light of my life, is gone. i know you still exist just not here with me in that little puppy furry body. the love of my life.
i have to grieve and not hold you back. i love you so much baby girl. i wish your little head was popping over the edge of the bed to look at me right now.
the house is so empty without you. my life seems so empty. so does daddy’s. but we have to learn to live without you. hard as that is, we have to. and you have to do what you have to do, wherever you are.
i hope you can send me a sign sometime to let me know you made it through ok. i’ve been praying for you and talking to you, do you feel and hear it? you know i love you more than anything right? you’re the best friend i could have ever asked for. you are the greatest blessing i ever had in my life.
baby i’m so sorry if i let you down. i tried my best to give you a good life and make you happy. i’m sorry you were in pain. i’m sorry we had to let you go. i love you so much.
you showed me what unconditional love really is. i’m so messed up but you loved me so much anyway. you’re the best friend ever. oh baby girl i’m tired i’m going to put the computer away now. i’ll still talk to you. i love you more than anything my sweet girl. i love you sadie. i love you so much. be good sweetheart mommy loves you always.
…and she will always love you always too…no matter what.
You did not let he down…don’t ever think that. She was the best, and you will see signs of her now and them. Take heed as each will possess a different meaning, although unclear sometimes, the true meaning will show itself.