Time passes, but my love for you remains unchanged. Physical absence has no power over the force of eternal love.
So much has changed here since you’ve been gone.
Do you remember the black cat that came into the yard? I remember very clearly kneeling on the patio with my arm around you, watching the cat by the back fence. I said to her (and you), I wish I could help you but I have my baby to take care of and she comes first. Cats freaked you out so I shooshed her out of your yard.
Then the dreadful winter set in. It wasn’t all the heavy snowstorms that made that winter awful. It was the winter that I lost you, my little angel. I had felt serious emotional pain before, but nothing surpasses the agony of your passing.
Spring came and I dreaded it because you were no longer with me to enjoy it. One day in late March, as I was going to pull out of the driveway, I saw the black cat sitting in the yard, right near the last place you stood. Seeing a small black animal in the yard again freaked me out, then saddened me. It occurred to me that the cat was there because the smell of dog was disappearing from what had always been your yard.
A couple of days later I saw the cat again. I noticed there was something wrong with her left front paw. You know me, baby, your mommy has a soft heart. So I started putting food out for her. She then became a frequent visitor.
Little by little, very patiently, I was able to get progressively closer to her. Since I’m allergic to cats, I know very little about them. I was acting purely on intuition.
It turned out that I know so little about cats that I didn’t realize she had been nursing until the day came when she brought her litter of three into the yard.
I won’t go into the kitten ordeal, other than to say that I got them all fixed and found them homes. Or even about the other cat that showed up sick on my patio one cold winter day that I nursed back to health and is now part of the yard brigade. This is more about Kitty.
It took some work, but I caught her and had her vetted and fixed as well. The clinic told me that her paw had been broken and mended badly. At that point I still couldn’t get close enough to her to care for her if they fixed it. So there was nothing they could do about that.
Gradually Kitty started coming into the kitchen for her meals. When winter came, your Daddy and I built her an insulated shelter on the patio. She would stay in the house for progressively longer periods of time but this is a wild cat that didn’t take well to being inside with the door shut. As we got closer though, she got more comfortable being in the house.
In the midst of all this, in June of last year, little Gracie the puppy entered my life. She’s smart and can be cool but she’s certainly no Sadie. I love her. I find that doesn’t even touch what I feel for you, my true daughter.
So now there’s a new dog in the house and two indoor/outdoor cats here. If anyone had told me two years ago that this was in my future I wouldn’t have believed them.
To me, the strangest part of it all is that through taking care of Kitty, I feel like I’m somehow fulfilling a promise I made in front of you that day. When I pet her silky black fur, it reminds me of you. Though she’s still very skittish a lot of the time, she’s so sweet and so smart, just like you. It’s a miracle she even made it through that terrible winter. She’s a survivor, just like you. She seems to crave attention and love more than food, just like you. Is it any wonder than when I express my love for Kitty, I feel like I’m loving you too, in an odd way?
Through all these changes and after all these months, I still think of you every day. Sometimes when I’m on the floor playing with Gracie I’ll remember being on the floor with you, especially during those last agonizing hours, and sadness overcomes me. Outside in the yard, I’ve broken into tears so many times as memories of you come flooding back. I know your time was up but I still hate that you’re not here. I hate that you’re a memory.
I pray every day that you may be free and happy and feel infinite love. You are in my heart forever and I know that will never change.
Mommy loves you all the way, my baby girl.